by Tini Tadeo-Castillo
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting ~~ Psalm 139:23-24
Last week, my prayer went something like this. I didn't want to be deceived by my heart and my pride. I asked the Lord to reveal anything wicked in me because too many voices (including my own) may have drowned out His. I may have fallen deaf causing me to wander away from Him. I got really scared. I felt drawn to a sister in Christ to unload my heart. It gave me respite but I had fears that I was being selective in my counsel, drawing nearer to the one who I felt sided with me. Days went by and I still felt clouded as issues kept coming back. I felt heaviness, not for a decision I was already wholeheartedly resolved with, but for the sorrow I felt that I was misunderstood for that decision. I began to question yet again my own motives and my heart. It came to a point that as soon as Paul came in the door one afternoon from work, I ran to him and cried. I felt distressed and grieved that as I take one step away from all the rubble of the past, I was always taken back two steps when it was again discussed, like a vicious cycle. Though it pained my husband deeply and at an even greater proportion than anyone else in the issue, his arms were wide open, ready to catch me. If I was crying, he was bleeding. But he was willing to be the villain in all of it, to be the fall guy, ready to be viewed as the unforgiving, immature and selfish husband, when in fact his intentions for me were the purest of all. Still I did not feel victorious because the issues were relentless, pounding in my ears. I cried out to God as I knew His comfort was exactly what I needed. “Lord, was I not doing the right thing by my submission to my husband and for making a decision that I know will protect my marriage? Lord, is my heart deceitful, prideful? Is my heart fooling me to believe that I have forgiven and forgotten when in fact I haven’t? Was my humility in all these counterfeit and insincere?” The voices were again hounding despite my plea for a breather. “Lord, deal with me accordingly when you reveal all these to be true. Please speak, soundly, clearly and profoundly that I may know it is truly Your voice that I hear, and I may obey instantly.”
And because God hears pleas, even words unspoken, He knows hearts and His ways are higher than ours, He spoke. He did through a devotion I came across four days ago on DOTK that told me to surround myself with wise counsel but to go to that one believer whose wisdom will align with God's Word and will bring peace in my heart and mind. And so I was lead back to the same sister in Christ for counsel, and indeed I truly felt peace like never before. Last Sunday, He spoke yet again through Pastor Erwin Elevazo and through 2 Chronicles 20:15 that said the battle isn't mine but God's. This battle has already been won by the Lord for me, I’ve surrendered all these to Him a long time ago. Why in the world will I take it back? Yesterday, God affirmed further in my heart that my anxiety and doubt was nothing compared to the task He prepared for me. I am His, He honors my submission to Paul and He wants me to walk away from the rubble that derails me and fix my eyes on Jesus. He gave me what seemed like a simple a task of comforting a grieving friend but for a believer like me it is a privilege to be called by my King for His Kingdom agenda. I wouldn't have imagined I would do something like that, that He would lead my friend to me for spiritual guidance, that I would be the person God will assign to pray with her, that my King would see me worthy enough to witness for Him.
During dinner last night, I sat feeling exhausted physically from a day of hauling stuff and helping my friend move out. I began telling Paul and our kids how the day went by and despite the exhaustion, I was spiritually fired up. I suddenly wept uncontrollably in the middle of my story not because I was weary but because I felt God’s grace, love and favor on me. I felt His arms wrapped around me, His cheek pressed on my head, His hand rubbing my back, His voice saying, “It’s okay. I’m here. I love you.” God manifested himself physically through my husband.
~~
Incidentally, these were the verses I read yesterday for my friend. I realized it was just as God’s message to me as it was to her.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~~ Romans 8:38-39
…for He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU. ~~ Hebrews 13:5
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting ~~ Psalm 139:23-24
Last week, my prayer went something like this. I didn't want to be deceived by my heart and my pride. I asked the Lord to reveal anything wicked in me because too many voices (including my own) may have drowned out His. I may have fallen deaf causing me to wander away from Him. I got really scared. I felt drawn to a sister in Christ to unload my heart. It gave me respite but I had fears that I was being selective in my counsel, drawing nearer to the one who I felt sided with me. Days went by and I still felt clouded as issues kept coming back. I felt heaviness, not for a decision I was already wholeheartedly resolved with, but for the sorrow I felt that I was misunderstood for that decision. I began to question yet again my own motives and my heart. It came to a point that as soon as Paul came in the door one afternoon from work, I ran to him and cried. I felt distressed and grieved that as I take one step away from all the rubble of the past, I was always taken back two steps when it was again discussed, like a vicious cycle. Though it pained my husband deeply and at an even greater proportion than anyone else in the issue, his arms were wide open, ready to catch me. If I was crying, he was bleeding. But he was willing to be the villain in all of it, to be the fall guy, ready to be viewed as the unforgiving, immature and selfish husband, when in fact his intentions for me were the purest of all. Still I did not feel victorious because the issues were relentless, pounding in my ears. I cried out to God as I knew His comfort was exactly what I needed. “Lord, was I not doing the right thing by my submission to my husband and for making a decision that I know will protect my marriage? Lord, is my heart deceitful, prideful? Is my heart fooling me to believe that I have forgiven and forgotten when in fact I haven’t? Was my humility in all these counterfeit and insincere?” The voices were again hounding despite my plea for a breather. “Lord, deal with me accordingly when you reveal all these to be true. Please speak, soundly, clearly and profoundly that I may know it is truly Your voice that I hear, and I may obey instantly.”
And because God hears pleas, even words unspoken, He knows hearts and His ways are higher than ours, He spoke. He did through a devotion I came across four days ago on DOTK that told me to surround myself with wise counsel but to go to that one believer whose wisdom will align with God's Word and will bring peace in my heart and mind. And so I was lead back to the same sister in Christ for counsel, and indeed I truly felt peace like never before. Last Sunday, He spoke yet again through Pastor Erwin Elevazo and through 2 Chronicles 20:15 that said the battle isn't mine but God's. This battle has already been won by the Lord for me, I’ve surrendered all these to Him a long time ago. Why in the world will I take it back? Yesterday, God affirmed further in my heart that my anxiety and doubt was nothing compared to the task He prepared for me. I am His, He honors my submission to Paul and He wants me to walk away from the rubble that derails me and fix my eyes on Jesus. He gave me what seemed like a simple a task of comforting a grieving friend but for a believer like me it is a privilege to be called by my King for His Kingdom agenda. I wouldn't have imagined I would do something like that, that He would lead my friend to me for spiritual guidance, that I would be the person God will assign to pray with her, that my King would see me worthy enough to witness for Him.
During dinner last night, I sat feeling exhausted physically from a day of hauling stuff and helping my friend move out. I began telling Paul and our kids how the day went by and despite the exhaustion, I was spiritually fired up. I suddenly wept uncontrollably in the middle of my story not because I was weary but because I felt God’s grace, love and favor on me. I felt His arms wrapped around me, His cheek pressed on my head, His hand rubbing my back, His voice saying, “It’s okay. I’m here. I love you.” God manifested himself physically through my husband.
~~
Incidentally, these were the verses I read yesterday for my friend. I realized it was just as God’s message to me as it was to her.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~~ Romans 8:38-39
…for He Himself has said, "I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU. ~~ Hebrews 13:5