by Tini Tadeo-Castillo
The world around us is constantly drawing us into a belief system of selfishness--that in order to be happy, we must give in to our desires, our own internal needs. In school, I was taught and was actually driven my whole life by a pernicious lie--that self-actualization was that, which will make me happy, fulfilled and content (Maslow said so!). Today's culture further reinforced this belief, that it's all about me, that I must march to the beat of my own drum, that I must follow my instinct and my heart's desire. In the process, I was fed with lie after lie after lie--lies that I swallowed like an obedient daughter. Lies that said, sex before marriage was tolerated (everyone else was doing it), adultery must be fine (after all, it abounds all around), divorce is an option (if it doesn't click the first time, try another), foul languages aren't a big deal (it's just an expression relax), that getting into drugs, smoking and alcohol is entertainment (I can handle it), that pornography and violence is trivial (it's normal, it's everywhere).
I grew up with as much tolerance to such things and the tolerance paved way to participation. And because I tolerated it with others, it made sense that I demanded the same tolerance from them when it was my turn to sin. To some it spelled a loose set of morals resulting from a poor spiritual foundation. How it irked me big time. To others, it was no biggie. Of course, it figures that I would gravitate towards the latter kind. The more "accepting" ones. Who needs a killjoy anyway, right? But those poor decisions I made, believed and justified to be okay, resulted to grave consequences of great magnitude in my life.
Although I believed in God's existence then, I did not really know Him. I did not pursue His truth and instead went after the deceit of world. It came to the point that I blatantly mocked the Lord by going to church on Sunday but continuing with the same sins the rest of the week. I rejected Him and even haggled. "Not today, Lord...can you try again in a few months?!", I said. Such audacity and gall, right? I would purposely turn away from God, fall deaf to His calling and just tuned out anything that had to do with Him.
In the past year, as I read through God's Words, read other Christian books, watched documentaries and inspirational videos, heard Sunday preaching, discussed the Scripture in Bible Studies and set aside quiet time with the Lord--I realized how I have been taken captive! I bought all the lies fed to me by our culture, by the society, by the world and it permeated my being. I rejected God's absolute truth. And because of my fallen state and sinful nature, it was easy for me to buy the lies. I carried the mark of Eve and like my predecessor, I listened to the hiss of the snake.
But although I carried Eve's mark, I carried the image of God. I am His creation! He did not give up on me. Jesus Christ redeemed me from this state! Praise God!
Still, even after redemption, I have inner struggles. Within me, there is still a conflict--the calling to go after my own desires. But because I was redeemed I have the Holy Spirit within me and with the indwelling of the Spirit, I thank God that the struggles have become few and far between. I find that when I yield to its voice, I am able to obey the truth of God.
Looking back, I wonder. If I had not attended that fateful service at CCF, two years ago and surrendered my life to Jesus, where would I be? I know where. I would still be the selfish "suki", still buying those lies and using them to justify my sins. I would still be self-actualizing to the point of destroying the very important relationships I had. I would be modeling the same set of deceptive philosophies and belief system to my children. And Jam and Cicc will be buying the same set of lies that I fed them myself. My seeds would be patrons of the snake! Aaack, what horror!
This morning, I gazed at myself on the mirror. I thank the Lord that I am learning to be a better model to my children. I have healthier, better relationships and friendships now. I have awareness of the impact I have on my sphere of influence. My views have evolved from selfish to selfless. My priorities have changed from temporal to eternal. My lifestyle simpler but more fulfilling. My behavior subdued significantly and my focus no longer on myself but on Jesus.
My reflection shows a woman of faith. An imperfect person being perfected and can only be perfected by a perfect God. Hallelujah!